I know it's been a long time since I posted anything. And I'll get better at it. Today, I feel that I need to get something off my chest. This has been weighing me down since 2011 and I pray that finally saying (or writing) about it will finally free me of the shackles I call GUILT.
If you know Frank and my story, you know we suffered from infertility for almost 10 years. We saw drs about it, got tested, pointed fingers, gave up, saw more drs, did more testing and after 2 years working with a dr...gave up on the idea of having children and "fired" our dr. Seven months later, we found out we were pregnant and had a beautiful, healthy little girl almost a year later.
But I'm not talking about that today. I'm talking about feeling guilty. During the time of feeling like we'd never have children, I went into a very dark place. I wanted to have a child(ren) because we were ready to expand our family, because that's what women do. I wanted to fit in. For 10 years, I didn't feel like a woman.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy. Ally's the best thing (thus far) that has happened to us. Allyson makes us feel complete. She's the perfect addition to our family and I see and feel the love my Heavenly Father has for Frank and I.
So why do I feel guilty?
Well, I know someone that's dealing with what I'd dealt with. We were aquaintances before we both knew we had fertility issues and really up to the time I found out that I was pregnant. It was after that, our mere freindship became estranged. And I get it. When I would hear about people being pregnant, I too was jealous. But I figured it would be different because we were the same! But it didn't end up that way. We'd chat and it felt weird...almost like pulling teeth. She never came to my baby shower and when I had Ally, she kept her distance. Again...I understand. But if it were the other way around, I'd be so happy for that person! So I figured "maybe this person is like that with all pregnant women (like I once was) because how dare they with all their fertileness get pregnant!"
I felt guilty talking about the pains I experiance or the anxiety I had or countless sleepless nights because I didn't want anyone to think that I'm "complaining" about something clearly people without kids would die to have!
I felt guilty talking about some of the hard things about being a parent like sleepless nights or having a sick child while working. Or when Frank is out of town for weeks at a time and I feel like a single parent. Because I should be grateful that I can even be a "single mom" for a few weeks. Or the great things like her being independent and going into Nursery in church. So for a while, I stopped talking as much about my child.
But now I feel horrible. Why? Because I feel that I shouldn't have to mute myself because of someone else's feelings especially when that person shows nothing but love for other's that are pregnant and have kids. So I ask myself "Why Me?" Why does it feel like I'm being singled out because I had a child? When I've showed nothing but love towards this aquaintance. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong or different then anyone else that takes pictures or post about their kids. I've talked to this person and I got the "its not you, its me" speech, it'd be fine for a while and then we're back to being estranged.
Frank jokes (or at least I hope he is) around saying "Maybe she just doesn't like you!" I laugh but inside I feel it is the case. I understand not everyone can be friends...but what did I do wrong???
So my question is: What now???
The Lord said in the scriptures that we should Love One Another (1 John 4:11) but how long do you go until you feel that what you're doing isn't appreciated???
I guess time heals all wounds.
Glad I was able to do this.
'Till next time!
♥Karen
